Let Me Be Candid . . .

Would you tell a speaker if they used a lot of ums? Or said too many “likes” or “you knows”? Or, used upspeak?

Like many things in life, the answer is “it depends.”

It mostly depends on your relationship with the other person. Here is how I would handle offering feedback to a few categories of people:

• A stranger or acquaintance, unless they have asked you for feedback: NO
• A family member or close friend: MAYBE (timing is important)
• Your boss, unless they have asked for feedback: NO
• Your employee, or direct report: YES (again, timing is important)
• Your student: YES (but only if applicable to the subject you are teaching)

In all cases, I would speak to the person privately, unless they are in a group coaching situation and others also are receiving feedback.

Let me give you two examples. One bad. One good.

The first is an example of my own bad decision to offer feedback when I shouldn’t have.

I was hosting an event for an organization and had 3 panelists as outside speakers. All 3 panelists were professional women. During their presentations, I noted that each one of them had two or more instances of upspeak (upspeak is the tendency for some speakers to have a rising intonation at the end of sentences so that declarative statements sound like questions. Upspeak is a credibility killer in business). A few days after the event, in a group email to all 3, plus the person who had arranged for them to speak, I thanked them for their contribution, and then proceeded to offer feedback on their use of upspeak, the impact to their credibility, and how to break the habit of using upspeak.

I thought they would appreciate the insight from a presentation coach.

I was wrong. Really, really wrong.

I heard nothing back for 6 days. Crickets. That was a bad sign.

Then, I received an email from the person who arranged for them to speak. She said the panelists felt they were at the event to be judged on their expertise, not on their speaking ability. They requested not to participate in the event the next year.

Hindsight is a great teacher. Learn from mine. Don’t offer unsolicited feedback to strangers or acquaintances. I should have just thanked them and should not have offered any criticism. They were merely acquaintances, and they hadn’t asked for feedback.

The second example, of an appropriate handling of feedback, was brought to my attention by a potential client who had contacted me about coaching one of his employees who had speech disfluencies, such as “um” and also used filler words, such as “you know.”

He had contacted me because he had recently heard a Harvard Business Review podcast, “Defining Radical Candor – and How to Do It”

The podcast was a conversation with executive coach Kim Scott about walking the line between honesty and caring for the people you work with. Kim is also the author of Radical Candor.

Kim related a story from early on in her career, right after she had joined Google. She gave a presentation to the founders and the CEO and felt that it went well. However, as she walked out of the room past her boss, Sheryl Sandberg, Sheryl said, “Why don’t you walk back to my office with me?”

Sheryl started the conversation mentioning aspects of the presentation that she thought went well, and then she said, “You said “um” a lot in there.  Were you aware of it?” 

Kim was relieved, thinking that if this was all she had done wrong, who really cared? She made a brush off gesture and said, “It’s a verbal tick.  It’s no big deal really.”

Sheryl discussed getting a speech coach, and Kim brushed it off again because she was “too busy.”

At this point Sheryl got direct with Kim. “When you say “um” every third word it makes you sound stupid.” 

Was Sheryl being mean? Nope. Kim said, “It was the kindest thing she could have done for me at that moment in my career.”

Kim reflected on her presentations, and realized that Sheryl was not exaggerating. She literally said “um” every third word.

Kim wondered why no one had said anything before. “It was almost like I had been walking through my entire career with a giant hunk of spinach between my teeth.”

She realized that Sheryl wasn’t going to let that momentary upset Kim would feel get in the way of telling her something that she really needed to know.

Maybe you have heard the phrase, “It’s cruel to be kind.” Well, I believe that it never hurts to be kind, but sometimes the greatest kindness is to tell the truth in a kind, but direct way.

Just be judicious in whom you tell!

Do you have an employee who uses a lot of ums, ahs, filler words, or upspeak? Be kind to them, be kind to your business, and have the direct conversation. If they want to work on public speaking skills on a regular basis, suggest they check out Toastmasters. If they need some direct coaching, contact me!