My voice threatened to betray the emotions I was trying to hold back. I felt like I was walking a tightrope, trying to maintain balance between composure and the swell of emotions threatening to break free. My words came out slowly, deliberately, as I tried to maintain control. Every so often, I paused to swallow hard as I grappled with the weight of my feelings and attempted to push back the tears that glistened in my eyes. A new emotion appeared . . . self-loathing. How could I allow my emotions to get the best of me?
You are probably wondering . . . did a loved one die? Did I get fired?
No, nothing so dramatic.
I was simply trying to establish trash pick-up service at my new Texas home. And I was five phone calls, five automated phone menus, five different people, and five different sets of instructions into the process. I was incredibly frustrated and near tears when talking with the fifth person.
Have you ever struggled with emotions (anger, frustration, sadness) in challenging situations and wished you could manage your emotions better?
While getting emotional on a call to establish services at a new home might be embarrassing, it isn’t as serious as getting emotional at work. And the most challenging situations at work are when you receive unexpected negative feedback.
How do you react to negative feedback? And, are your reactions hindering your career growth?
People may consider crying, frustration, or anger as inappropriate or a sign of weakness.
If you can manage your emotions during difficult conversations, there are many benefits, chiefly that of improved communication. You can address conflicts calmly, find common ground, and work towards resolution instead of escalating the situation. You can think more clearly and focus on solutions rather than dwell on negative feelings.
Here are a few ways you can manage your emotions:
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- Acknowledge the emotion (you can simply acknowledge your emotions silently, in your head, or if you feel relationally safe, you can verbalize them to others, “I’m feeling frustrated that . . .”)
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- Pause, Breathe, Sip. You can trick your body into feeling calm. Take slow, deep breaths to calm your body’s response to stress. Plus, focusing on your breathing takes some of the focus off your emotions. I sometimes think “1-2-3-4” as I breathe in and “1-2-3-4” as I breathe out to further distract my emotional response. This pause before responding also makes you look more in control of your emotions. To extend your pause, you can subtly clear your throat or take a sip of water. It’s even better if the water is cold, as the temperature change can help distract your body from emotional responses.
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- Focus on the Facts. Direct your attention to the content of the conversation rather than your emotions. Concentrate on the facts, the issue at hand, and potential solutions.
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- Seek to Understand. Ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand their point of view. Let them talk while you get your emotions under control.
Don’t wait until you are entirely unhinged to apply these techniques. It’s easier to manage emotions if you start managing them before they intensify.
If only I had followed my own good advice, I would have used these techniques before my sixth call to establish trash service. But finally, on that sixth call, I got my act together. After I went through yet another phone menu, a woman cheerfully introduced herself and asked how she could help me. I paused, took a deep breath, and said, “You are the sixth person I’ve talked to today to try to get my trash pick-up set up. I’m really frustrated and upset that this is so complicated, but I want you to know that I’m not upset at you. I’m hoping you can help me.” Just acknowledging my frustration made me feel better, and more in control. I also wanted to let her know my being emotional was not her fault. I then laid out the facts about the situation and asked her what I needed to do. I listened, and calmed down further. And, it was done. I have trash pick-up service set up, and a new appreciation for techniques to maintain emotional control in challenging situations.